Post by wtflove on Feb 23, 2009 22:55:58 GMT -5
[Warning: It could be because of reading Furuba again (Fruits Basket for those who don't know) this past weekend or just thinking about drama and shit, but yeah. HERE'S A BLOG FULL OF ANGST D: PAY NO HEED]
I thought about Xiao, something that I haven't done in a while. I don't know why, but I just started thinking about him. I thought about the first time we met when he offered his hand to me. I thought about the nights when I would be chased out of the house and he - half asleep - would come and get me and the two of us would spend all night talking at his place. I thought about the times when we would go motorcycle racing, go to parties, go to school.
I thought about the argument.
I thought about the promise.
I thought about his death.
The next thing I know, I'm crying. I'm a pitiful human being, crying again. I still harbor anger at myself. I still hold conflicted feelings. I still hate myself for losing one person.
I wanted to kill myself all over again. I wanted so desperately to die.
But then I thought...
How lucky I must be to be alive.
Xiao wouldn't want me to die; he would slap my back and tell me to go out into the world and smack a bitch, as silly as that is. Him, smiling at me. Maybe it's his way of telling me to go and live my life for him. Maybe it's his own selfish request, the one request that I owe him, for all the times that he has been there for me.
There are others too, people that care about me. People that I love.
As for the people that look down on me, hate me, give me a reason to die...
I'll show them.
I'll prove to them that I can make my own path and not be held down by past errors.
I don't want to be kicked down again.
I want to smile and have this burden lifted from me.
I want to be free.
I thought about Xiao, something that I haven't done in a while. I don't know why, but I just started thinking about him. I thought about the first time we met when he offered his hand to me. I thought about the nights when I would be chased out of the house and he - half asleep - would come and get me and the two of us would spend all night talking at his place. I thought about the times when we would go motorcycle racing, go to parties, go to school.
I thought about the argument.
I thought about the promise.
I thought about his death.
The next thing I know, I'm crying. I'm a pitiful human being, crying again. I still harbor anger at myself. I still hold conflicted feelings. I still hate myself for losing one person.
I wanted to kill myself all over again. I wanted so desperately to die.
But then I thought...
How lucky I must be to be alive.
Xiao wouldn't want me to die; he would slap my back and tell me to go out into the world and smack a bitch, as silly as that is. Him, smiling at me. Maybe it's his way of telling me to go and live my life for him. Maybe it's his own selfish request, the one request that I owe him, for all the times that he has been there for me.
There are others too, people that care about me. People that I love.
As for the people that look down on me, hate me, give me a reason to die...
I'll show them.
I'll prove to them that I can make my own path and not be held down by past errors.
I don't want to be kicked down again.
I want to smile and have this burden lifted from me.
I want to be free.